Dear Coach,
If I am hearing you correctly, your talented son's confidence level is diminishing and his frustration level and the manifestations of it are increasing. You would like for your son to regain his confidence on the soccer field and realize his talent, and also keep him involved in the beautiful game.
First of all, being a boy's coach and father can be advantageous (see Tiger Woods and John Elway) or disastrous (see Todd Marinovich). When it seems to not be working, it is important to separate the two jobs. When it's practice or game time, be his coach, but when you leave the field, take the coaching hat off and just be dad again. Many children strive to please their coaches and their parents, and when, as you said, you point out his faults, he may perceive that he is not pleasing you, which can leave a sense of hopelessness and a "why even try" mentality. And yes, you are correct, this could be causing his poor sportsmanship, and can also lead to burnout.
The positive in this is that you recognize what's not working and are willing to change. So what can you change? Let's go to motivation. You said that you are trying to help motivate your son, which is great. There are two types of motivation: internal and external. In your case, your pushing your son is a form of external motivation from his perspective. Keep in mind that each athlete is an individual and will respond to motivation differently. While some kids excel by being pushed to work hard, the general rule of thumb is that external motivation can suffocate internal motivation therefore leading to burnout.
How can a coach instill internal motivation in athletes? The simple answer is to let players make their own mistakes, and trust that they will learn from them on their own. A coach's job is to assist in that learning process and help them find their own solutions. Serve as a guide in that respect. Especially at your son's age, the more success he can find that he perceives is "on his own," is going to build up a base of confidence for him to draw on in the future.
And communication is extremely important. In a study I did on leadership in youth soccer, players your son's age said they responded best to leaders who are "nice" (i.e. positive communicators). As a coach, for every mistake you point out to him, it is important to point out 4 or 5 successes. As a dad, ask him questions: "How do you think you played?" "Did you have fun out there?" "Wow, you worked hard out there - are you tired?" "What could you have done differently in that situation?" And then most importantly: Listen. Without judgment. Without being right. Without being the authority. Remember that he is 10. Instill in him a love for the game. That in turn will instill him with internal motivation, which can in turn instill self-confidence.
Finally, it sounds like patience is in order. Athletes are individuals and may mature differently from each other. There is no certain age in which a player will blossom. At age 10 your son does not need to recognize his talent at this time (and really, does not have the capacity yet). The most important thing is for him to have fun playing soccer and learn to love the game. If he is doing these two things, he will develop at his own pace.
Brian Baxter holds a Master's Degree in Sport Psychology from John F.
Kennedy University, has a USSF C License, and has been on the CYSA Coaching Staff. He lives in Portland, OR and has a private practice working with
individuals, teams, coaches, and referees. He travels regularly to the Bay
Area to conduct workshops, and also works with individuals by phone. He can
be reached by email at brian@baxtersports.com or by phone at (510) 459-8313.
